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(They got 1 squid | Got any toast?) [18 Oct 2009|12:23am] [ music | Tom Waits - What Keeps Mankind Alive ] I check my Live Journal daily, and everything that once made it fun and interesting has ceased to exist. This is growing up, and it sucks.

(Got any toast?) [19 Aug 2009|04:43pm] I'm alive, in case you were wondering. Here are some pictures from my balcony, from where I am currently typing this.

(They got 1 squid | Got any toast?) Phish [15 Jul 2009|12:43pm] Phish is playing a four-night set at Red Rocks at the end of this month. Now I just have to decide if I can afford the $50 to go.

(Got any toast?) [04 Jul 2009|08:52pm] [ music | Seven Nations - Wonderful ] An update. Enjoy. Or don't. Whatever. Currently looking for a place to live in Denver with a random girl who likes to cook, owns a huge widescreen LCD TV and an XBOX 360. I pick the best roommates. We're looking for a small house, or a decent apartment in the Cheeseman Park/Capital Hill/Wash Park area. My vote is for Cheeseman Park because I like cheese, it's supposedly haunted, and has a big gay community. That last part doesn't mean I'm gay, it just means I really want to try meth. Since I came out here I've been writing more and more. I received my first screener, a vampire film that supposedly sucks, and received my first picture for Ash Across America, wherein my Ash bobblehead travels around the globe getting into whacky situations. I have about four freelancing gigs, and if I dedicate myself can make more than I ever did working at Kinko's. I also sent a request to Fangoria.com to become a contributer, and the Vice President loves my work, agrees with everything I have to say, and wants me on board. I gave him the A-OK to proceed and have yet to hear from him. Figures. I went hiking last Monday and it was awesome. For a fat, out-of-shape smoker climbing a mountain in air thinner than I'm used to, I made that mountain my bitch. I hope to continue hiking and perhaps lose weight. That would own I went to a Rockies game last night, watched the fireworks at the stadium, then went to a bar. IN the bar they had a popcorn machine that had not just popcorn but fucking cheeseballs being kept warm under the basking glow of a heat lamp. You haven't lived until you've tried warm cheeseballs. That's it for now. Hope to be in Denver soon, 'cause Boulder is boring as fuck.

(Got any toast?) [28 Jun 2009|12:32am] Mercenary Toast (12:08:13 AM): If it makes you feel any better, I'm, uh.....sick of being a fatty. Obviously not comparable to anything you just said, but it's all I got. ******* (12:08:30 AM): Lol, add verbally abusive and chronically jobless, and I might date you! ******* (12:08:37 AM): <-- very poor taste ******* (12:09:04 AM): Oh, yeah, and could you move back in with your mom? Mercenary Toast (12:09:14 AM): Well, I am jobless, but not chronically...and I'm only verbally abusive in a playful manner. ******* (12:09:15 AM): and retroactively drop out of high school? Mercenary Toast (12:09:18 AM): lol ******* (12:09:56 AM): Oh, and it would be really awesome if you would randomly take off on nights you promised to spend with me to give the skank your brother is schtupping a ride somewhere. Mercenary Toast (12:10:37 AM): If I dated you, I'd be really boring to offset all the shit you've apparently been through ******* (12:11:40 AM): Well, to be fair, you'd also have to cook for me cause I suck at self-sufficiency Mercenary Toast (12:11:58 AM): I hope you lke pasta, 'cause that's all I can really cook Mercenary Toast (12:12:07 AM): And the greatest macaroni and cheese ever. ******* (12:12:14 AM): I'm a carbivore ******* (12:12:17 AM): that works Mercenary Toast (12:12:31 AM): Excellent. Then let's date in a parallel universe. ******* (12:12:53 AM): Sweet! Oh, and now that you're committed, I have controlling tendencies, I'm a total slob, and my sex drive has bipolar disorder. ******* (12:12:56 AM): Not the rest of me mind you. ******* (12:12:59 AM): just that part. Mercenary Toast (12:13:25 AM): That's ok, I fuck and kill hookers when I say I'm staying late at work. ******* (12:14:00 AM): Right, that reminds me: I also have an organized crime fetish. So if you just do that for drug money or something, I'm totally down with it. Mercenary Toast (12:14:21 AM): This is a match made in heaven ******* (12:14:37 AM): Wow, God is a dick. Mercenary Toast (12:14:53 AM): That's just mean. I thought this relationship could really work. ******* (12:15:03 AM): Our first fight! ******* (12:15:26 AM): This is the part where you throw something at me and miss, I burst into tears, and you pretend you meant to miss and were just throwing it at the wall. ******* (12:15:28 AM): Ready? Go! Mercenary Toast (12:16:12 AM): THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS ******* (12:16:42 AM): YOUR BROTHER HAS A BIGGER PENIS! Mercenary Toast (12:17:12 AM): Ha! You fucked my brother. Enjoy herpes, you cheating bitch. ******* (12:17:38 AM): I gave it to him! The first day we were together! ******* (12:17:44 AM): Speaking of which, your urologist called ******* (12:17:57 AM): He said you owe him $78 and you ******* (12:18:00 AM): are infertile! Mercenary Toast (12:18:17 AM): Awesome. No chance of little mes running around. ******* (12:18:27 AM): Drat. ******* (12:18:34 AM): That didn't work out how I planned it at all. ******* (12:18:52 AM): Hey, you don't want kids either, sweet, this could work! Let's make up, get married, and not start a family. ******* (12:18:58 AM): In fact ******* (12:19:01 AM): We could end a family Mercenary Toast (12:19:04 AM): Can we have a house in the Hamptons? ******* (12:19:04 AM): for our honeymoon ******* (12:19:18 AM): by killing all living male members to destroy the surname forever! Mercenary Toast (12:20:03 AM): My surname is annoying and impossible to pronounce anyways, so that works ******* (12:20:19 AM): We can only have a house in the Hamptons if I can spend all your money on heinously ugly haute couture jeans. ******* (12:20:37 AM): So that I fit in with all the British wives who visit for the summer Mercenary Toast (12:21:14 AM): That's fine, I'll just be fucking them all anyways ******* (12:21:45 AM): Hey, I won't know, I'll be too busy popping their kids' Adderall while they're distracted ******* (12:21:53 AM): they might even give me a reality show if I keep at it long enough Mercenary Toast (12:22:24 AM): Maybe you can get on Biggest Loser. Ever since we got together you've been letting yourself go. ******* (12:23:27 AM): I still fit into the dress I wore to my Senior prom! And you're one to talk-- maybe I wouldn't eat so much if your nuts didn't smell like limburgher cheese every time I went down on you. I don't think you've SEEN your dick since our wedding night, much less washed it! Mercenary Toast (12:24:33 AM): Yeah, well, I fucked your mother. ******* (12:24:45 AM): So did I. ******* (12:25:00 AM): And I didn't invite you to watch! ******* (12:25:02 AM): So there. Mercenary Toast (12:25:37 AM): ............. Mercenary Toast (12:25:39 AM): You win.

(They got 1 squid | Got any toast?) [25 Jun 2009|03:09am] Ok, new stuff. Went to Denver today for about ten hours. Just got home. Fuck Boulder, Denver owns faces. Awesome little neighborhood a mile from the heart of lower downtown. Quaint houses conducive to good writing, neat places to go, cool people to see. Saw Away We Go tonight, which was quite hysterical. New friends are cool. Pray for jobbiness in the Denver area.

(Got any toast?) Random [22 Jun 2009|08:23pm] [ music | Buster Blue - Moonlight ] Today was productive, in a way. Made some money doing BS freelance work. Lost it later that day having lunch with a new friend. Watched a horror flick thanks to the stunning realization that my hosts have FEARnet On Demand. This means I now have the opportunity to watch more horror films I'll probably hate because apparently I hate everything. Tomorrow will be more of the same probably, and Wednesday I may go into Denver and traipse around the place, skipping daintily while humming the theme to Laverne and Shirley. Good times will be had. Unless I get mugged by a homeless person or get a parking ticket.

(Got any toast?) [21 Jun 2009|12:59am] [ music | dredg - Cartoon Showroom ] I don't seem to update much anymore. I'm still looking for a job (obviously). Applied to a library gig I'm perfectly qualified for, so I won't get it. My blog is ranked number eighteen on HorrorBlips, which is pretty cool. I spent about three hours troubleshooting the most basic of problems today, and thanks to the help of a fellow blogger managed to get it and more straightened out. Beginning work on the book tomorrow. Deadline for first chapter is July 9th. Will spend a good portion of the day in the cafe of the public library which overlooks a "ragin' river." Good atmosphere. Longing to have my own place again. Need job soon so this can happen. Freelancing doesn't cut it.

(They got 1 squid | Got any toast?) Update I suppose. [18 Jun 2009|01:03pm] [ music | Jukebox the Ghost - Static ] One thing I've learned about Boulder is that it's like a mini Toronto, just cleaner and with much less diversity. Cyclists rule the road, and the rules one must obey while driving to avoid hitting them will draw my ire sooner or later. Pearl Street Mall is insanely awesome, and houses one of the coolest pizza joints/bars I have ever been to. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I left last Saturday and drove about eight to nine hours until I arrived safe and sound in Buford, GA where my sister lives. I had to stop along the way to pick up her key, where she was conducting an investigation with the Ghost Hunters of Georgia (or something like that). When I got to her place I played with her new kitten Butch, which had a tendency to attack my head and just generally be adorable, if not incredibly irritating. The next morning I departed once again. I ended up in Fairview Heights, Illinois, just outside of St. Louis. Along the way I was treated to amazing southern Tennessee and northern Georgia countryside and mountains. Day three of the trip constituted a little over half of I-70, the long and relatively straight road through Missouri, Kansas, and Colorado, wherein I saw more dead deer on the side of the road than I thought possible. Day four I was pulled over, proving I'm the only person who can actively try not to speed and still get caught by the cops. Thankfully, after giving him my sob story I got only a warning and was on my way, arriving in Boulder at around 3 PM on Tuesday. Right now I'm just writing and looking for a job. It's a little too early to become discouraged, but I thrive on pessimism. Fingers crossed. Pictures to come later if I feel like it and can find my camera cable.

(They got 5 squid | Got any toast?) [08 Jun 2009|07:50pm] So I'm leaving for Colorado on Saturday, roughly 2 PM. I'll end up in Atlanta and crash with my sister at around 10 PM, then the next morning hit the road early and see how far I can go before I begin to slowly go insane. Arrival will be sometime Monday or Tuesday. If I have your phone number, expect A LOT of phone calls.

(They got 2 squid | Got any toast?) An update? [07 Jun 2009|04:54pm] [ music | The Beautiful South - Straight in at 37 ] I suppose. I don't really have much to say. Will be leaving for Colorado in a week or so, and I'm anxious, excited, and terrified. Home is home: boring and crowded. I miss everyone tremendously. Found out I still get to be in Jim's wedding party as a groomsman, which rocks. Bridesmaids, baby. Should try and lose a ton of weight so I look rockin' in a tux, and maybe even cut my hair, which would suck. I like my hair. Expect pictures once the move commences.

(Got any toast?) [SIGNS] [28 May 2009|07:12pm] If you're not smiling so hard your ears hurt by the end of this, you have no soul.

(Got any toast?) Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus [19 May 2009|10:30pm] I wrote this for I Love Horror. Toward the end I got sick of trying to explain how terrible it was, so I decided to just let the synopsis tell the story. Enjoy. Director: Jack Perez (as Ace Hannah) Year: 2009 Country: USA Internet buzz is a powerful yet dangerous thing. It gives the film in question a tremendous amount of publicity, allowing it to reach a much wider audience; conversely it also places a horrible burden on the film to outdo all the expectations the internet buzz has produced. Remember the failure of Snakes on a Plane to achieve a level of success comparable to the excessive amount of praise heaped upon it based solely on a trailer and a Samuel L. Jackson one-liner? While the film has garnered the status of minor cult classic, it was, in short, a total failure when viewed within the context of the internet buzz that preceded it. All it really did was simultaneously revive and kill the career of Julianna Margulies, who somehow got hotter as she got older. When I first heard of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, I was intrigued not because I thought it was going to be a good movie, but because the idea of a CGI megalodon and oversized cephalopod duking it out for an hour or so sounds better than anything I have ever seen or heard of in the history of ever. A few months after hearing about it, I finally saw the trailer and, like the rest of the clueless masses, began salivating uncontrollably. The buzz became so great it even got a mention on Yahoo! News, and while not that big of a deal is still pretty impressive for a studio whose productions consist of mostly low-budget direct-to-DVD rip offs of other contemporary popular films. As a result, instead of waiting for the DVD release and because I’m not a total sucker, I queued up the bad boy and less than a few hours later I had it sitting on my hard drive waiting to be devoured. Last night I sat down and began watching what I hoped was to be an epic tour de force, the mother of all giant animal disaster movies starring washed up 80s pop singers and a soap opera actor who I seriously thought ODed from snorting blow off a hooker’s ass in a hotel in Tucson. Or at least hoped that’s what had happened. It would be fitting end for someone who once starred in a show called Renegade. Debbie Gibson plays Emma MacNeil, a no-nonsense oceanographer studying humpback whales. Piloting a submersible with a Python 2 NES controller, she notices a large pod of whales that look suspiciously like little penises on the radar beginning to act erratic. The ensuing cetacean panic, which we come to learn is caused by a sensor dropped into the ocean for no discernible reason by a helicopter that soon feels the cold sting of karma in the form of a giant wall of ice, causes them to converge into the underside of an arctic shelf which unfortunately houses a “mega” shark and a “giant” octopus. Now free, they begin to terrorize the ocean, mutilating whales, collapsing oil rigs, and for the shark flying twenty to thirty thousand feet into the air to eat a fucking airplane. All it needs to do is shoot laser beams from it eyes and we’re all fucked. Or carry machine guns. Fired for stealing the submersible, MacNeil and her former professor Lamar Sanders, who possesses one of the most cliched and offensive Irish accents I have ever heard, begin to unravel the mystery behind it all. Joined by Japanese scientist Dr. Sheiji Shimada, they embark on a quest filled with intrigue, sex, and Lorenzo Lamas. Lamas plays Allan Baxter, a government official/commando/tough guy who forces the trio to come up with a solution to end the threats, as torpedoes, machine guns, and indigestion caused by a jumbo jet don’t seem to have any effect on a super shark. The octopus is just sorta there until the end, causing damage only to oil rigs and airplanes. Clearly not as big a threat as a bridge-eating shark. Yeah, it ate the Golden Gate Bridge, too. Bitch be hungry. It don’t care. It does what it wants. ‘Cause it’s a fucking shark. After a montage of questionable science and disappointment, a post-coital conversation between MacNeil and Shimada leads to the stunning realization that pheromones are the key. By luring them into the same waters loaded with these pheromones, they hope to force them to continue their epic battle for prehistoric supremacy. or have sex. Either one would have been cool. Now armed with a plan, a submarine, and the help of the trusty Japanese, they begin their quest to make the ocean safe once again. And the skies. And the bridges. After throwing everything they have at the shark, Mr. ‘Pus shows up and begins to go all crazy go nuts on Mr. Shark. It’s touch and guy for awhile, with ol’ ‘pus getting the upper hand until Mr. Shark bites off one of its tentacles and continues its quest to eat as many submarines as possible. Narrowly escaping in a small submersible before the whole thing gets bitten in half, our intrepid heroes manage to not only save the Japanese sub from becoming octopus food, but manage to lure the shark close enough to the octopus so they can resume the fight that should have ended the moment they were unfrozen. So who is the victor? Sadly, this picture is not entirely accurate. In the both ended up sinking into the abyss, presumably to play reconcile their differences and play checkers. I can’t tell if starring in an Asylum film is a surefire way to kill your career or revive it. People seem to be praising Debbie Gibson for her acting performance, and one reviewer went so far as to cite her performance as a silver lining among the stolid acting of Vic Chao and the…well, I wouldn’t call it acting, but whatever it is Lorenzo Lamas was doing throughout the film. Sadly it wasn’t dying; but he’s a veteran actor of soap operas and a few other Asylum productions, so he’s being dead inside for awhile. We want her to succeed, even as she’s marveling at faked greenscreen imagery. We need her optimism and poise, since the men around her are too busy tossing around testosterone to care about compassion or careful planning. But she didn’t get naked, so who cares? The film was misleading. The titular conflict took up a mere ten to fifteen minutes of film, the majority of which was terrible CGI and the same shot of the shark swimming toward the camera and the same close up of the octopus’s eye looking angry.  The entire film gave off the impression of the writer doing everything in his power to speed up the process to the aquatic free-for-all and he still managed to fail.  I call shenanigans! I’m aware the pseudonymous director wanted the movie to be taken with a grain of salt; The Asylum isn’t exactly known for producing stunning cinematic features. Yet given the amount of publicity this film has been receiving on the intertubes and the totally bitchin’ movie poster, I expected something just above abortion but below epic diarrhea. Instead we’re given the cinematic equivalent of diarrhea coming out of your mouth. Yeah, it’s so bad it leaves the taste of poo in your mouth. Still want to watch it?

(They got 1 squid | Got any toast?) [19 May 2009|01:53pm] My neighbor was just robbed. Busted his door down and stole a ton of shit, including his computer. I heard it happen through the walls, but thought it was his girlfriend since his car wasn't there. Man, I actually feel pretty bad about it.

(They got 3 squid | Got any toast?) [15 May 2009|04:01pm] Officially unemployed. :)

(Got any toast?) Bored at work, these types of posts have become the norm. Bear with me. Only three more months. [09 May 2009|07:32am] On reddit there was a thread asking the collective, "What's the saddest you have ever been?" The majority of responses concerned one of two things: losing a loved one to the sweet embrace of death or losing a significant other. Many of the stories told ended with the lasting impact they had on the individual, and how they'll "never get over it." This makes me wonder why we cultivate friendships, or relationships, knowing full well that there is a significant chance of it ending. Why would we allow ourselves the chance to be hurt like that? You might say it's because the good times will always outweigh the bad. But will they?

(They got 3 squid | Got any toast?) More bullshit [07 May 2009|07:43pm] [ music | House M.D. ] The cold, harsh reality of me leaving Tallahassee finally hit me, and I've spent the past hour crying uncontrollably. Sad, isn't it? I won't miss this city; I don't feel this city has anything to miss. I've never considered this city to be anything more than a temporary layover in my life, and taking this into account, I almost wish I hadn't met the people I did. It might make this easier if I had truly nothing here. But I do have something. I've always said this city is what you make of it, and to enjoy it is contingent on the friends you have. These friends that I do have, though few, are the reason for this relatively embarrassing output of emotion this evening. Some are old, some are brand new, and the thought of leaving any of them is utterly heartbreaking. The shifty Brazilian likened my leaving here and moving to Colorado the end of Act I. The script that is my life has had major rewrites to accommodate the demanding and fickle director, but I think we're finally making headway. I can only hope Act II has more actions, attractive women, and explosions. I never thought this would be how my life turned out. I've made too many mistakes, and, perhaps foolishly, I think leaving here is the only way to correct them. I'm almost twenty-seven and I have nothing to show for it. Change is good, and as trite as it sounds, it can only come from within. Here's hoping a change of scenery will instill in me the desire to actually not fuck up what remains of my life. I wish I was a drinker. This might be easier if I were trashed all the time.

(They got 3 squid | Got any toast?) Office Space [06 May 2009|08:23am] [ music | Tom Waits ] I got written up yesterday, the offenses being as follows: 1. Not signing the PST checklist in the morning for near a month 2. Not having my shirt tucked in 3. Clocking in after seven every morning All reasonable, though he seemed to assume my neglecting of my duties as a throwaway employee was the result of boredom, or apathy. It was simply forgetfulness. I don't think enough about signing a stupid list or tucking my shirt in (even when I wear this retarded apron) to make it a daily habit. As for coming into work late, well...that's a grey area. At one point he got upset with me for not doing the Bin Dive report (What makes you think people know what all this shit is? -ed.), stating that if I have time to play on the internet, then I have time to remember to do the Bin Dive report. I was, at first, going to chide him for making the blanket assumption that correlation equals causation, but decided I would benefit from just keeping my mouth shut. I simply forgot to complete it after I started it, as I got distracted by other jobs and my endlessly annoying co-worker yapping my ear off about her health troubles or whatever the fuck it is she wants to eat that day. I finished the friendly little meeting by telling him I felt I was being treated unfairly and being singled out. If you're going to write me up for being late, then you damn sure better write everyone else up who is consistently late. In the end, the big difference is the fact that I have no one to call in the morning because I have to be here at seven AM to make sure the one customer who comes in before nine doesn't throw a fucking hissy fit because he's too fucking stupid to turn a fucking copy machine on.

(Got any toast?) [05 May 2009|06:06pm] [ music | dredg - Ireland ] The new dredg has leaked. The world could end in two hours, and I sure as shit wouldn't care.

(They got 2 squid | Got any toast?) [04 May 2009|12:04pm] [ music | Days of the New - Dancing with the Wind ] I'm leaving Tallahassee for good on July 31st. The outsider's perspective is that this is a foolish decision; perhaps it is. After all, I will (presumably) not have a job when I get to Boulder, and this seems to be the impetus for the negative reaction coming from my family regarding this matter. When I told my father, I simply prefaced it by explaining that I was doing this regardless of his support, so it would make more sense to have him in my corner. He was surprisingly compliant, though, as I have said, expressed much concern about my lack of employment. Whatever happens, happens. The next three months will be terrifying and wonderful.

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